Thursday, 11 February 2016

Reasons I Have Cried

In case you're new here, I have bipolar disorder. One thing I've noticed is that when I'm in "neutral" I barely cry at all. I don't really laugh either, but my eyes don't leak. When I'm depressed I'll laugh for no reason until my whole body cramps up. When I'm either astronomically high or devastatingly low, I cry. A lot. For really ridiculous reasons. I thought I'd clue you in on some of the reasons I've cried in the last two months.

1. Because Sebastian the crab said "You could go home with all the normal fish and just be... just be... just be miserable for the rest of your life." And because Ariel looked sad. By the way, I watched The Little Mermaid for my Zusterschap series "Feminist Film School"!

2. Because I remembered the Center Parcs advert with the morose mummy bear.

3. Because my rabbit died. This is admittedly a rational reason to cry, but I cried so hard I made myself ill, which is less rational.

4. Because I re-read the synopsis of the Oscar Wilde story "The Nightingale and the Rose". Do not read it if you're feeling fragile, okay?

5. Because I started writing a song and I could hear it in my head and it sounded good.

6. Because I heard that J.K. Rowling is releasing The Cursed Child's script as a book.

7. Because I met a really great dog.

8. Because I saw my friend Claire and we shared a long-overdue, very long hug.

9. Because the new Army recruitment advert made me so angry.

10. Because C3-P0 showed up in The Force Awakens. I should point out, I cried five times during The Force Awakens.

11. Because I was still awake at 5am on a Sunday night.

12. Because it was light outside when I left work.

13. Because someone left a comment on my Zusterschap piece about tropes in film which complimented my writing.

14. Because the clouds were really pretty.

15. Because my dad sent an uncharacteristically sweet and gentle message to me after my rabbit Dexter died.

16. Because I told my mum how much I wanted to die last year, but how grateful I am to be alive now.

17. Because the boys in my band said very, very nice things to me and made me feel like I matter. This has happened more than once.

18. Because I sneezed.

19. Because I wrote a little post about how much I love my friends, and how much I value them.

20. Because sometimes my brain tells me everything is hopeless, and I am too tired to argue.

That's not even all of the reasons I've cried so far this year, but it's a pretty decent selection. If you, or someone you know is crying more often, or you're in any way worried about your mental health, please talk to someone. Don't suffer in silence. You deserve better.

If you liked this post, check out my health blog, GREEN ABOUT THE GILLS, for mental health and more!



  1. You have my heartfelt sympathy and condolences. I love rabbits and Dexter looked adorable in all the photos in your post and I'm imagining Dexter snuggling. How sad to lose the two rabbits in one week. You're a very sweet sensitive, good-hearted person and matter very much. The world could use more people like you. That said, I hope you find lots of ways to cheer up, and I'll try to do the same.

  2. Oh babe this was very moving and I'm still so sorry to hear about your bunnies passing. It seems there's been some lovely support and some good moments to cry for too though and that you can reflect on that is great.

    *big hugs*

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  3. Haha I'm so glad someone else cried at The Force Awakens! I went on the opening morning and the second the music started I was a mess. I cried so many times with sheer joy! This is a lovely list hun, I do love a good cry sometimes. Sorry you lost your bunny, I know how devastating it can be to lose an animal and Dexter was such a cutie from the photos I've seen xx

    Sophie Elizabeth

  4. Awww, Elena <3 *big hugs* It is horrible when your pets die, because to me, they aren't just pets they're members of the family so I completely understand that and I always admire your bravery and how strong you are. This was very comforting to read too - I recently had to go back onto anti-depressants and I've been having a hard time so posts like these are comforting at the moment. The Force Awakens was a nightmare for me - I cried from start to finish, but especially when R2 and C3P0 showed up - too much nostalgia! Hope you're OK. - Tasha

  5. Just to say you know I'm always here xxxxxxx <3 <3 <3 xxxxx


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